You have to make a choice—fear or love

​Natalia Derstine serves with Mennonite Voluntary Service in Washington, D.C.

​"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  —Marianne Williamson 

​If those words draw
you in like they do me, perhaps it’s for how counter cultural they are;
so different than the poison our media and culture feed us daily. The
“not good enough” message. Self-doubt, born from fear, is ever pervasive
and destructive, beginning in the mind and bleeding into every aspect
of our lives. How quickly we forget that our thoughts, our choices,
carry weight and cost, how they influence the people we come into
contact with. Fear and love both greet us at the door, and we choose
which will be our guide. Daily we have a choice whether to live out of
fear or love. Will love flow out of our lives radiating like the sun off
a shiny surface, or will fear dominate our posture, making sure we
settle for less than we are capable? We must choose between fear and
love because it’s impossible to live in both.

We all have fears;
there’s no escaping that. We just need to remember that fear does not
define us, fear is not an indicator of our worth; it reminds us when we
aren’t living out of love.

I started at Catholic Charities
Immigration Legal Services four months ago, and I continually face the
choice between fear and love every day. I fear I’ll make mistakes. I
fear asking questions. I fear not being helpful. I fear not making a
difference to the organization and to those who are meant to benefit
from it. I fear going out of my element. I fear failing at all of these
things. I fear people seeing my failures. I fear failing the
participants I am here to serve. I fear disappointing my supervisors.
But even heavier than all of these is the fear of disappointing myself.
In choosing to combat each of these fears that could slow or stop me
each day, I fear that I will find I don’t like the path I have chosen,
and find myself lost in the world, not knowing what I want or where I’m
going. 

“Not good enough” is the theme of every one of those
fears. Each fear coming from a selfish place. I’m doing all that I am
doing … for me, I realized. These fears proclaim that my purpose is
myself alone. That is not service at all. That is not love. So I must
choose. Choose love and let it guide me. 

I’m learning to choose
love every single day, through every struggle and praise. I am learning
to love all those who I encounter. Loving myself and loving others
because you cannot have one without the other. 

I am serving because of love and I will only let fear remind me when I am not living out that love. 

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18 

Lord,
I give you these stirrings inside me. I give you my fear. I give you my
restlessness. I give you my doubt. I give you my despair. Lord, help me
to organize myself in the direction of simplicity and love. Teach me to
listen to my heart. I give you all the longings I hold inside. Help me
to listen to these signs of change, of growth; help me to listen
seriously and follow where they lead through the breathtaking empty
space of an open door.