BERLIN, Ohio (Mennonite Mission Network) – Some topics are just not meant to be brought up during holiday gatherings where a variety of viewpoints are sure to be present. We’ve all seen it: the very mention of symbolic colors like red, blue, or pink makes things spiral out of control and then Grandma starts to cry.
This holiday season don’t let arguments about politics or ethics spoil your mashed potatoes or pumpkin pie. Keep conflict under control and heed these friendly reminders from Laurel Woodward, a 2013-2014 Mennonite Voluntary Service participant at the Center for Restorative Programs in Alamosa, Colorado.
Take a breath and step back. “That’s a tool that I like to keep in my back pocket,” said Woodward. During MVS, she served as a conflict mediator in schools and with the Rethinking Drinking program, a restorative justice approach for juveniles charged with the possession of alcohol or marijuana.
Taking a break can be especially helpful if the conflicting parties have lost control or if one side is dominating, Woodward said.
Or in the sarcastic words of Woodward’s father, Don, “How about we all just say what’s bothering us at the same time!?” After all, there’s no better way to take a breath than to laugh together.
Paraphrase. So you think that sounds unnatural? It is. But paraphrasing helps to clarify what is heard, said Woodward.
This past summer, Woodward participated in a training that focused on how to reflect, or summarize arguments. This idea helps people to correct the statement and to expand on how they feel. When paraphrasing is used, “it’s amazing how much more people will talk,” said Woodward.
“Paraphrasing communicates a deeper understanding, and gives the person sharing a chance to correct or clarify their needs. For everyone involved, it is an excellent way to gain a better understanding of the current conflict.”
Listen for underlying needs. “Sometimes you need to get below the surface conflict to understand what’s really going on,” Woodward said.
Woodward remembers a mediation session between two girls at school. One girl was really upset at the other for talking about her. When Woodward helped them to get to the root of the problem, the girls realized they were upset with each other, not only because of the gossip, but because their friendship wasn’t as close and they didn’t know how to talk about it.
In Woodward’s MVS experience, serious conflict happened mostly at work. She and her fellow MVSers, five females, got along well, thanks to similar values and fun weekend activities that helped to build those relationships. A hiking trip to Zapata Falls to see a frozen waterfall was among Woodward’s highlights.
“One of the things that came from being so close is that it was hard to find time alone or how to do things with less than all five people,” Woodward said. But, together, they learned to be mindful of others’ underlying needs and to communicate those needs to each other.
“Although it may seem easier to put these skills to use in one-to-one encounters,” said Woodward, “the basic concepts can be adapted for more complex situations – workplace or community conflicts.”
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Mennonite Mission Network, the mission agency of Mennonite Church USA, leads, mobilizes and equips the church to participate in holistic witness to Jesus Christ in a broken world. Media may contact news@mennonitemission.net.
